我的29+1

每天都在問,咁我地點。
很清楚唔想咁樣,但唔知想點,其實又可以點樣。
每個關於將來的問題,大都可以轉化為人生的意義。
每條問題都np-complete,大到我無從入手處理。

有時會想,寧願我們沒有選擇。點解你要係男人,點解?

希望一朝醒來,突然發現昨天的自己已經為明天的自己作了些決定。
可惜,每天都是今天。
今天太累,上上網,打掃一下,看一點書,賞花賞月賞秋香就好。

很好的偽裝,很像樣很靠譜的婚姻和工作。
其實願意commit,只因這兩者於我都是reversible。因為可以離婚和辭職,才願意一試。
也許這都是自欺,因為時間不能重來。試一年,就過一年。
讓我自欺一下,什麼都還未決定,什麼都有可能…

始終不願面對終期於盡。
希望現在仍是29-4,讓我再揮霍一下,再逃避一下。

enjoy life

IMG_1239CUHK

Back in CU campus yesterday. It felt like going home. The years spent here were the best years in my life. Leaving all the clutters and things behind, lived as myself.

Everything said and done represents only myself and is responsible only to myself. No one was expecting me to behave in a certain way. No one cares about my social background nor academic performance. They learnt about me by who I am.

It has been some years since I left. I have always missed the freedom and peace of being myself.
Last night, When asked for advise, the younger ‘old ghost’ talked about courses, GPA, exchange , jobs and career.
The older old ghost told freshmen to enjoy.
~
Back in ‘real’ life,
People advice me about jobs and career, marriage and life planning.
No one told me to enjoy life.

Living My Own Life

只要是消耗在我自己的身上,而不是虛擲到於我而言毫無意義的人或事之上,或是假情假意的去依從一些人人都覺得正確的規矩,我就感到了我正在為自己而活,生活沒以往那麼難過。 千里孤墳

For me, university life and hostel life is the little time window that no one is forcing, pushing, or advising me to do anything. The only time in my life that I myself could grow. But I did not grow strong enough in these three years. After leaving that wonderland, once again I was bound by all those things and persons that used to bound me.

Few years to thirty, all justifications are only excuses.

 

Sometimes you did something that is totally ridiculous and meaningless to everyone else. And the absurdity arises for reason no other than the very fact that you are finally living as your own self. You are doing what is most important to you, rather than those on the mainstream success metre.

The right things to do and the real right things to do are somewhat mutual exclusive.

 

I have a hard time accepting the fact of not being understood by the people whom I loved. I failed to ignore their opposition. I hope to be released from the bound, and never lay any burden on those who loved me.

 

I am a coward living a life so ‘right’. When I have time to think about life, I cry most of the times.